Three and a half years into this parenting lark and I’ve come to realise there are somethings I just don’t need in my life anymore.
Apparently I’m never using the loo or having a shower without an audience ever again so we might as well just get rid of the means to give me any privacy at all.
Remember those times when you got to choose when you went to sleep and how restful that sleep was? You’d have a tough and stressful few days at work so you could just pop a Nytol and enjoy a restful night sleep. Nope. Not anymore. You are no longer in charge of when you sleep, how much you sleep or how good the quality of that sleep it. You are going to save a fortune in Nytol tablets though……
Just chuck that little timepiece in the drawer – you don’t need it. From the moment you become a parent you are going to be late for everything so why even bother? Your arrangements will go from meeting at 9:00 at the cafe to arriving sometime between 9:00 and 10:00 depending on nappies, tantrums and the total *need* to take both of Cinderellas dolly shoes.
An alarm clock
You can throw that snazzy little gadget that syncs up with your phone away. You don’t get to choose what time you wake up anymore. No more being woken up by the sounds of birdsong, the radio or a pleasant beeping noise – your wake up call will be a tiny human shouting “I done a big poo” at you.
Unless you want your lovely white top to become a canvas for food and paint I’d suggest putting it away. For the next couple of years you are going to live in dark colours and cotton t-shirts.
Useless. Totally useless. In fact if we are honest with ourselves they were pretty useless in the first place right? I mean, who wants a bag where you have to choose between a hairbrush or your phone anyway? So this is good news really – you get to put your entire life in a huge bag and while that bag will only get bigger as your little one gets older you’ll pretty much be able to carry everything you might ever need. I’ve given up on handbags altogether and now just cart around a small rucksack, not the prettiest bag I’ve ever had but it can hold all the crayons and wipes I choose to carry
It’s not all bad news though – you’ll save a bucket of money on bags, clothes and when you remove your bathroom door you can live with the ultimate open plan space.