I don’t feel like this has been a successful day – I haven’t ticked any boxes or managed to be a good employee, good customer, good wife or a good parent. In fact I’ve been a short tempered parent, a customer who’s late, a distracted employee and a selfish wife.
I dropped off Emma 15 minutes late at nursery this morning because she’d woken up in a terrible mood and was having tantrums from the moment she woke up. Everything was a battle from brushing hair, getting dressed, eating breakfast and cleaning her teeth – she fought me all the way. This made her mood worse and didn’t do much for mine either…..I’m not what you’d call a morning person and all this rage was before I’d even had a cup of tea.
These moods meant we got to nursery late and then in turn I got to work later than I’d usually like as well. I only have 3 hours a day to do my job and we have an important event coming up next week that I’m stressing about. My bad mood and stress about the event stopped me focussing properly and I didn’t use the limited time I have in the best way which only frustrated me further.
I left work and got stuck behind a tractor and temporary traffic lights on the way back to nursery which meant I picked her back up 20 minutes late.
Not only did I get a polite but sternly worded warning about me being late again (the time between pick up and drop off is really tight) but I was also told Emma had spent most of the morning shouting, crying and generally being a bit of a handful.
By this point I’m super stressed but have no one to talk to apart from the incredibly angry toddler. I just want to drink tea, eat cake and have a little cry but I don’t have time for that either as we have plans this afternoon and I haven’t tidied up the house or had lunch yet.
I then spoke to husband to have a little rant as he was driving back from Liverpool. He’d got up at 4am to drive there for a meeting and was now driving back but the traffic was bad due to roadworks. He then has to go to the office to sit in on an interview which means he won’t be back till late this evening. This is rubbish on a few levels as it means he will be having a 14/15 hour day today which (in my opinion) is a bit much, he won’t get to do his run today and he won’t get adequate rest before tomorrow starts. From a selfish point (utterly selfish at that) it also means I won’t get help putting the tantrum machine to bed or get out for my run this evening either.
I don’t know how full time parents and single parents manage to balance working v parenting out. I’ve got to be Mum between 6:30am and 8:30am, employee between 9:00am and 12:00pm, Mum / Self Employed Worker / Blogger between 12:30 and 5:30 before turning into the bad guy when bedtime comes around at 6:00pm and then be awake enough to be a nice person to be around in the evenings. I don’t have enough hats for all these activities and it’s even worse when the advice you are given is to either increase nursery hours (will mean nursery charges are more than my pay!) or to take on less. How is that even possible?
The pressure is just too much sometimes and I worry about the ball I will eventually drop – drop the parenting ball and things could go very wrong, drop the employee ball and the money goes wrong, drop the self employed ball and watch the occasional extra income go away or drop the blogging ball and stop doing something which brings me genuine pleasure.
But with so many balls up in the air one will eventually be dropped and I live in genuine fear of what that could mean.
I’m just hoping tomorrow is a better day