Week one of CT5K done! Feeling very proud of myself right now but have learned a couple of important lessons this morning
1) I can’t go if I haven’t eaten breakfast as it’ll make me feel sick
2) To try harder ignore mean people saying “run fatty run” when they think I can’t hear them because my headphones are in. Running while having a little cry isn’t a great combination.
3) To remember to take hayfever tablets before I go out in the morning.
A real morning of ups and downs.
A follow up to point number 2. I stopped exercising due to being bullied for how I looked at school – I was told I was either too butch, had man legs and looked fat because I enjoyed cycling, horse riding and running which built me up a bit more than the other girls in my class. At 16 this had a massive effect on me and my body image for a number of years. A couple of tricky relationships only built up on those fears and impressions – the first proper boyfriend I had spent quite a lot of the time telling me I was overweight so I stopped eating and lost a bucket load of weight but when the second serious boyfriend told me I was fat I comfort ate and piled on the pounds. This resulted in some major weight ups and downs until I met my now husband who has spent a number of years trying to remove the damage done to my confidence in my teens and early 20’s. I still don’t believe him when he tells me I’m pretty but I’ll always appreciate him taking the time to try and convince me.
Now I’m 35 years old and a little more confident about the world. I still don’t like looking in the mirror and honestly couldn’t tell you one single feature about myself I like but I do recognise this is mostly my brain being all dark and twisty.
When I ran past those chaps today I was immediately 18 again and just wanted to go home and cry but by the time I’d got round to the other side of the lake I wasn’t sad anymore. I was cross but was mostly laughing – because they are right. I am a fatty running. I’m a very round person just starting out on a path towards getting healthy.
They don’t know I’ve already dropped a stone in weight. They don’t know that before I went running on Monday for the first time in 17 years I sat in my car locked in fear in case anyone saw me. They don’t know that on Monday I was running in entirely new kit because I’ve lost enough weight that my old stuff doesn’t fit me anymore. They don’t know that I have the very very best support system for getting healthy with amazing friends and family.
So to the two chaps who thought I couldn’t hear you – I did and I don’t care. I’m 35 not 16 and I’ll be dammed if I’ll let another bully bring me down and stop me from doing something that’s good for me. So you can both sit with your little fishing poles and tents by the lake (don’t even get me started on that absurd hobby and the fact I was being mocked by people who fsh) because you can count on me running past you again and again and again. Because I’m doing this for me.
Because This Girl Can.