My name is Emma and I’m two years old. I’ve hacked into my mum’s blog to get in touch with all the other toddlers in the world to establish some rules on so called ‘separation anxiety’. I’ve noticed from visiting playgroups and chatting with my pals that we all deal with this in different ways and to my mind it would make sense if we all follow the same guidelines to make the lives of our big people as hellish as possible.
#1 – NEVER LET YOUR BIG PERSON OUT OF YOUR SIGHT
This is your big person – you will sleep with your big person, you will eat with your big person and you will not leave your big person. What if you let them out of your sight and they don’t come back? Nope – it’s not worth the risk. I recommend the ‘latch to the leg’ position and maintain it at all times. Do not let go or they might leave your sight and be gone forever.
#2 – DON’T SLEEP
If you close your eyes they might disappear so the only way to deal with this is to refuse to sleep and scream every time they leave the room. Even if it makes you sick – just keep crying or they won’t know you want them to come back. If they come back in and they are crying then you are one step closer to getting them to sleep on the floor next to you. Make sure you set traps just in case you do fall asleep and they try to leave the room. Personally I recommend lego or sticklebricks on the floor strategically placed to ensure full foot penetration or even better fall asleep on their hand making it impossible to remove.
#3 – SHOWERS AND THE TOILET ARE HUGE DANGERS
What if they get washed down the drain or get flushed away? The only way to avoid this is to watch them at all times no matter what the obstacle – don’t let shower doors or toilet doors get in your way. I actually got in the shower with my big the other day – the shout of surprise she gave let me know she was pleased with my actions and I should do this all the time now.
#4 – SURPRISE THEM
This is a fun one and an interesting experiment that works best at 3am. You need to test that your big is with you at all times – even when you can’t see them. What if they have disappeared at 3am and you didn’t realise? The only way to tell is to wake up and start shouting for them for no reason at all. When they do come into your room they will probably look a bit tired but don’t worry they wouldn’t have been doing anything important. Make sure that when your big comes into your room you laugh, wave and smile…… after all you wouldn’t want them to worry would you?
#5 – BE CUTE
This is really important and you have to time it at just the right moment before you big person has an emotional breakdown. Just tell them you love them or go and give them a kiss when they didn’t ask for one. This should buy you at least another 12 hours before they buckle but don’t do it too often or they might actually think that Separation Anxiety has finished and they can leave the room. This takes you back to rule #1.
So that’s it. My masterplan to make sure my big person never ever leaves me. I hope this has helped you design your masterplan and look forward to hearing your ideas, I’m sure between us we can come up with a super plan to rule them all.
Better go….. my big has been out of my sight for about 2 seconds so I need to check something hasn’t happened to her.